I do not blog as much as I wish I did, but it is not because I don't have the time or anything to say. It is because I internalize so much that by the time I get to the writing part, it is just too much, or too personal. So I backspace, backspace, backspace....and try to lighten it up. But as much as I'd like to share about our life, I am never satisfied with a "here's what we've been up to" sort of post...and I end up deleting, annoyed.
My problem is that whenever I've written about my life, be it an online journal or blog, or a personal journal, much deeper things tend to spill out, surprising me. And that clashes with my tendency to be quite private. Therefore the post often never hits the web.
But this time I honestly want feedback, if anyone's reading, that is :) And you do not have to have experience to tell me what you think.
How do I deal with the raw and rampant fear that unfortunately seems to go hand in hand with love of my child?
I've always been one to worry excessively about the people that I love, not knowing how I could ever handle losing a family member, or my husband. But since having Liam it has escalated alarmingly. I don't just mean worrying about germs or a bump on the head or whatever. I mean I have an anxiety attack every other night because I can't shut off my stupid brain and it won't let me forget all the things that could happen...what I could lose. I have waking nightmares I have to shake thoughts free of. I might be worse than some, but I know I am not alone.
When we had Liam dedicated, our pastor spoke of holding our children, as with everything in life, loosely. Liam is God's and God controls his life and fate, not me. I was too ashamed to reveal the absolute terror that dedicating Liam really made me feel. I try so hard to give him to God, every day really...it is a continuous process for me. But I seriously have to keep certain thoughts at bay every day if I don't want to weep uncontrollably and fit Liam with a suit of indestructible armor.
Am I extreme? How do I get rid of or abate this fear which can be crippling? I love him so much my heart could burst, and I know I'll feel the same about my future children. How can I hold them loosely?
1 comment:
hi angie! i don't know you, but i happened to stumble on your blog and was extremely touched by this post. you write very beautifully. although i don't have any children yet, i really identify with the difficulty of allowing God to take care of my family - rather than me.
thank you for writing about it! and with such eloquence.
your son is so lovely! i hope you manage to cope with the fear more as he grows older.
Post a Comment